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Good Fun Government Jokes
August 27, 2009 at 1:41 am #78709
I found a funny joke I can post here. Actually in front of people! - I can relate to most of these - <:-)
-- Now let's hear some more. I need a laugh every now and again.
YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT IF...
·You understand the rationalization of an acronym comprised of acronyms.
·You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.
·You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
·You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
·You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
·You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
·You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.
·You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.
·Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.
·You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
·You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
·It's dark when you drive to and from work.
·You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
·Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
·Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
·Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
·Art involves a white board.
·You're already late on the assignment you just got.
September 18, 2009 at 2:32 pm #78747
This is an old joke with many versions. This one is clean.
Have you heard about the four men who were bragging about how smart their dogs were?
One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
The chemist said his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They all agreed that was brilliant!
September 18, 2009 at 4:35 pm #78745
That is an oldie but a goodie! I love it! It is now hanging in my cubicle. 🙂
September 18, 2009 at 4:37 pm #78743
Check out the new photo of the group! Thank you!
September 18, 2009 at 5:29 pm #78741
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
September 19, 2009 at 11:39 am #78739
LOL Oh my gosh. I am laughing so hard I think I almost spit my coffee!
October 9, 2009 at 3:21 pm #78737
A man finds a bottle on the beach. He opens it and a genie appears. The man is startled, saying "Wow, you must be a genie. Do I get three wishes?"
"Yes, my son, but my hearing is not so good so whisper them in my ear and I will do the best I can"
The man whispers directly in the Genie's ear and a pile of money appears. "Here you go, my son, 1 million dollars!"
The man shrugs, "Well, I asked for 1 billion dollars, you were close. Let's try the second wish!"
The man whispers into the Genie's ear, the genie nods and magically appears a beautiful blond girl in a doctor's gown and mask. "There you are, my son, a beautiful 20-year old surgeon."
The man smiles. "Again, very close but it wasn't surgeon, it was virgin. Pay close attention to the last words. Lets try the last one!"
"I will be very careful to listen to the end this time, whisper again please!"
The man whispers in his ear, the genie nods and bam, the man turns into George W. Bush. He smiles with a sigh. "Well, you certainly heard the last few words right. But the first part was I wanted to have the biggest one, not be the biggest one!"
October 9, 2009 at 4:00 pm #78735
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it's MY fault!
October 9, 2009 at 4:03 pm #78733
HEE HEE. That is cute.
October 9, 2009 at 4:06 pm #78731
Oh my gosh. That is funny. It is funny, because no matter what political side, I have met people just like this. Except, I was the one asking the questions, and I end up with someone I just don't understand. LOL 🙂 Now that is why it is so funny.
October 9, 2009 at 4:11 pm #78729
Online joke -
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
October 9, 2009 at 4:13 pm #78727
The Great Questions of Life
Is it because light travels faster than sound why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
It’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow. How cold will it be?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don’t have?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
October 9, 2009 at 4:15 pm #78725
New city employee -
A regular walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, hmm?"
"Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start tomorrow!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round. The next night the same man walks back in, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!"
With a wondrous look on his face, the man pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says, "You mean they PAY me too?"
October 9, 2009 at 4:18 pm #78723
One of my favorites!
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord’s prayer: 66 words
Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words
The 10 Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words
October 9, 2009 at 4:21 pm #78721
I am from a small town, so this is soo true in so many ways!
Rural Fire Department
A fire started on some grassland near a small farm. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.
The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped right in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions.
Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, dividing the flames into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm and crops had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
October 9, 2009 at 4:23 pm #78719
Hey, I think I know these fellows.
County Government Job
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, filled his tank, and took a break by his car while drinking a soda. As he relaxed, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him by about 25 feet and filled in the hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
Overcome by curiosity, the fellow headed for the first man.
"Hey there," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?"
"We work for the county government," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Isn’t that a waste of the county’s money?"
"Well," one of the men replied, "normally there’s three of us — me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yeah," Mike added. "Just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean we can’t work, does it?"
October 9, 2009 at 4:28 pm #78717
Stephen Wright is one of my favorite comedians. Here are some of his:
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis- ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
October 9, 2009 at 4:30 pm #78715
Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
Why do we abbreviate a 3-syllable word to 9-syllable letters (www)?
October 9, 2009 at 4:34 pm #78713
Latest joke ... Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize.
October 9, 2009 at 4:44 pm #78711
LOL These are terrific! I love it! Nice way to get a giggle going. 🙂
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