The Mirror Principle: Why Self‑Awareness Requires Other People

Most leaders are convinced they’re self‑aware. The data says otherwise.

You probably believe you are part of the self-aware elite. We’ve taken personality assessments, we debrief our coaches, and we mean well. However, the statistics tell a different and much more humbling story. While nearly everyone claims to be self-aware, research suggests that only about 10 to 15 percent of us actually hit the mark. That’s a staggering gap. And it exists for a simple, almost silly reason. We think we know ourselves because we spend all day inside our own heads, yet we forget that we never actually see ourselves directly. We only see the reflection.

The Leadership Image You’ve Never Actually Seen

No one has ever looked directly at their own face, which is a fun fact that becomes slightly unsettling when you realize the same rule applies to leadership. You have used mirrors, reflections, and photos to see a secondary version of yourself, but you have never had a direct line of sight to your own nose. Leadership works the same way. We understand who we are through the reactions, behaviors, and trust levels of the people around us. Engagement, tension, silence, enthusiasm. These are mirrors that tell us far more than our internal monologue ever will.

Seeing Yourself Through the People You Lead

Leaders who want to develop strong self-awareness need more than introspection. They need mirrors to help them see what their instincts cannot.

• Invite real feedback instead of waiting for it. People rarely volunteer honest feedback to someone who controls their performance review. When leaders actively ask for it, which includes making it safe and routine, they get a clearer reflection. A simple “What should I adjust?” can reveal patterns that would otherwise stay hidden.
• Watch reactions as closely as you watch results. Every meeting, decision, and comment produces a response which tells you something about your impact. Leaders who pay attention to body language, tone shifts, and energy changes gather data that helps them understand how they are experienced, not just how they intend to show up.
• Build a circle that tells the truth. Self-awareness grows faster when leaders surround themselves with colleagues and mentors who are willing to be honest. These are the people who will point out the spinach in your leadership teeth, which is far better than discovering it after a board meeting.
• Check your assumptions before acting on them. Leaders often rely on internal narratives that feel accurate but are incomplete. Asking “What else could be true?” slows down the instinctive response and creates space for a more accurate interpretation of the situation.
• Treat discomfort as useful information. When feedback stings, it usually means it touched something important. Leaders who stay present with that discomfort learn faster because they resist the urge to defend, explain, or dismiss. The reflection becomes clearer when you stop fogging up the mirror.

Self-awareness does not come from thinking harder about who you are. It comes from noticing how others experience you and having the courage to believe the reflection. Leadership improves when mirrors are welcomed, conversations stay honest, and growth becomes a shared effort. You do not need perfection. You need perspective, which your people already have.

Adeline (Addy) Maissonet is a senior advisor on contracting policies and procedures within the Office of the Secretary of War, U.S. Department of War (DoW) and the agency’s representative on the Department’s views on proposed legislation to Congressional members, their staff, and committee staffers. She leads the development and implementation of Department-wide procurement policies for commodities and services, within her portfolio. Prior to her current role, Addy served as a Division Chief and Contracting Officer with unlimited warrant authority for the U.S. Army Mission and Installation Contracting Command (MICC) – Fort Eustis, Virginia. Prior to joining the MICC, Addy served as a Branch Head for the Mid-Atlantic Regional Maintenance Center (MARMC), Norfolk, Virginia, with unlimited warrant authority. She also held other procurement positions with the U.S. Navy. Addy holds an MBA in Management and Contracting Level III Certification under the Defense Acquisition Workforce Improvement Act. She is a graduate from Cornell University’s Executive Leadership Certificate Program and Harvard University’s Business Analytics Certificate Program. In her free time, Addy enjoys hiking and overlanding with her family and friends.

Note: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the Department of War.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio