Contacting Your Former Colleague Who Was Bullied

Months ago, I wrote about what you should do when you witness your colleague being bullied. Since most targets of workplace bullying leave their jobs, your colleague may no longer be employed in your office.

Do you maintain contact with a former colleague? You may or may not. If you were close to your former co-worker, you very well may continue communicating.

However, you may be wary of being in touch with the person, especially if you did not know that individual well. You may be cautious because:

• You may not know your former colleague’s contact information. If they were fired, they may not have sent a farewell e-mail, which could have included their contact information. – You could search for your colleague on social media and see if you can find their contact information.
• You may feel that they would prefer not to communicate, as hearing from you may remind them of a traumatic experience. – If you talked with them sometimes, they may want to hear from you. They actually may be hurt if you do not reach out.
• You may not know exactly what happened with your former colleague and why and how they left. It is possible that all you know is that the individual is no longer employed there. – In an initial conversation, you do not want to pry. Instead, you would offer support.
• You do not know what to say. – You could write something brief instead.
• You do not want to get involved. – You could write a short message, serving as human support.
• You knew that your colleague was bullied, but you tried to stay neutral. Thus, you feel that they may or may not want to hear from you. – You could have been neutral while you also may have been friendly with your former colleague. The person may appreciate hearing from you.
• You were the bully or were part of the bullying and most likely were at least partially responsible for the person leaving. You may regret your actions, or you may feel bad about them and are sincerely sorry for what you did. You may think that your victim does not want to hear from you — and also wary that apologizing could be used as evidence in a lawsuit. – Regardless, your former co-worker may want a genuine apology from you, and it could help them move on (if they still fixate on what happened).

Reaching out could be helpful because it would show that at least some people in their old office care about them. As a direct result of the bullying, they may be suffering physically, emotionally, and financially. Physical health consequences include digestive issues, high blood pressure, and sleeping problems. Mental health effects include stress, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, self-doubt, and suicidal ideation. Your former coworker may also have financial challenges, especially if they have not secured a new job.

Your former coworker’s difficulties can be exacerbated by lack of contact from anyone in your office. They may feel that you are taking the bully’s side. They also may be confused, especially if you and/or your coworkers seemed to like them. Even if they understand why you may not want to get involved, they may experience betrayal trauma, feeling hurt and pain because former colleagues have stayed silent.

In addition, your reaching out could help your former coworker with their career. As you are still employed while they may or may not be working, you could conceivably help them by telling them of job opportunities and people who could be helpful.

In addition, reaching out could prevent a potential awkward situation. As your former colleague may have stayed in your same field, they could encounter you at a work meeting.

Keep in mind that if you reach out to your former colleague, what you write or say depends on the situation and your relationship. However, you may want to make some of the following points:

• I’m sorry about what happened.
• I heard that the end of your time at our office was difficult. I want you to know that I enjoyed working with you.
• I’m thinking of you.
• I wish things could have turned out differently between our office and you.
• I’d be happy to talk with you.

Note that some people who leave offices never want to hear from their former co-workers. They may just want a clean break, which may make sense given their trauma.

Reaching out to a former coworker who is bullied could be difficult, but it may be mutually beneficial. Perhaps, reaching out can create a new relationship or revive an old one.

Miriam Edelman, MPA, MSSW, is a Washington, D.C.-based policy professional. Her experience includes policy work for Congress. Miriam’s undergraduate degree is from Barnard College, Columbia University, with majors in political science and urban studies. She has a master’s in public administration from Cornell University, where she was inducted into the national honorary society for public administration. She has a master’s of science in social work (focusing on policy) from Columbia University. She is a commissioner of the DC Commission on Persons with Disabilities. Miriam aims to continue her career in public service. She is especially interested in democracy, civic education, District of Columbia autonomy, diversity, health policy, women’s issues, and disabilities.